Some days I can’t sleep. I just see a fist flying at the headboard above my bed, the ghost of my infant son in my arms, and I am wide awake. I can’t take the quiet. I hear every single sound and brace myself for someone coming to yell at me. I flinch every time someone holds something up in front of me, fearing it will be thrown at me. My hands tremble. I grab my head. I try to cry, but stop, afraid I will be accused of emotional manipulation again. Words will not come to my mouth, I wonder what the point of saying anything is, all of those closest to me didn’t believe me anyway.
(more…)Blindspot Busters
Changing the world through LOVE, LAUGHTER and a lot a bit of ACTIVISM
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So I am currently sitting in Mt Roskill library, it was bucketing down when I walked here so I am drenched. I am here to use the wifi as the place I am staying has none. I am staying with very lovely people. I am grateful Sweetheart has such a large, caring family and that they have taken me in when my own family abandoned me. There are people who are saying my son has abandonment issues, it would not be surprising to me at all. My family is full of abandonment. I have abandonment issues, I was recently abandoned once again by my family. It is part of the reason I have cPTSD. I was hoping to break the cycle for my son, but it is continuing again. It is impossible to repair a relationship when you cannot have reasonable access to your child. And the conditions that have been placed on my have caused significant hardship…
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In the wee hours of this morning I was kicked out of my flat again. Essentially, my flatmate decided he didn’t want to respect my boundaries anymore. He believed he was entitled to anything of mine whenever he wanted. I left before I found out whether this also meant he felt entitled to my body. The implication had been made more than once previously. I really don’t like people who don’t respect others. By not respecting my things, by not respecting my boundaries, my flatmate had not respected me as a person. I will not tolerate that sort of behaviour anymore.
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So it has been a bit of a dramatic couple of weeks for me. I have lost two phones now and my laptop charging cable whilst being flustered. Being in Kaiti (one of the most poverty deprived areas of the country) does not help, as your things are less likely to come back to you if you misplace them. Trying to organise housing, follow-up on legal matters relating to custody, and coordinate moving my stuff between cities once again has been very stressful. And then of course there was the long weekend (and I really needed support on the day all the businesses were closed). To say it has been a struggle would be an understatement, however I am still smiling. I can still smile because I happen to be one of the luckiest people in the world. I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for and all of them have been helping me every way they can. Whether that be by liking my posts, by sending words of encouragement, by sharing what they have (including money from those that can afford it), by helping me pick myself back up again, dust myself off and make myself presentable. I will forever be grateful to my friends, and to the wonderful community of Gisborne – the place I call home.
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Blindspot Busters 