Blindspot Busters

In the previous post I explained who I was and that I burnt out. In the next few posts we are going to focus on where I am at. In burn out recovery. The details of the car crash will come later. Right now, I am focused on establishing a new baseline for myself – rebuilding the roots, one step at a time. And for that I need a plan.

I have learnt that if the plan is unrealistic, then you are setting yourself up for failure. I know this because I have failed many times. In life you need to not be afraid to make mistakes, but you also have to learn from them. Otherwise you find yourself repeating the same patterns of behaviour and burnt out again.

What I am finding tricky about this loop is that each time I go through it it gets harder. This time I am determined to take things slow, build each layer of my life strong before stepping full steam ahead into the next thing. 

What does burnout recovery look like for me?

I am in a position where I need to rebuild practically from scratch. I am not starting from nothing – but I am essentially starting from the ground up, reassessing everything to ensure I have solid footing beneath me. 

It has taken me a very long time, but finally I know where to start. This comes after a period of enforced self reflection. This was hard. Very hard. It is very hard to look at yourself in the mirror and honestly acknowledge your flaws. I literally spent a lot of time in front of a mirror talking to myself. It was uncomfortable, I squirmed so many times as I learnt to accept the person looking back at me was a worthy human being. The things I didn’t like about myself I could change. Because I wanted to, not because of external expectations. I got to the point where I wanted to start moving forward again. It was time to look at where I want to go. And it is important to start small.

Why start with Wellbeing?

The most important thing you can do in life is look after yourself. This is the one thing other people cannot do for you. Sure people can help, but being dependent on people as an adult is a sure fire way to completely destroy your self-confidence, self-esteem and your self awareness. 

In my experience people’s definitions of wellbeing are very different. Part of that is individuality. We all have different ways to relax and different ideas of where joy comes into our life. What everyone forgets though is we all still require the same fundamental elements. And when looking for a way to rebuild, starting with the basics seemed to me to be the most logical starting point.

Using a model to define wellbeing

So how the hell do you start addressing wellbeing for yourself? I find it easier to not reinvent the wheel and instead look for a model that works. The idea behind this is to have a framework, some headings under which I could evaluate where I was at and where I wanted to go.
I have looked at many different models, life coach plans and other methods for rebuilding. Although I found a lot of useful nuggets of information, none of the plans presented fit me enough to be workable. And instead I came back to another well-being framework. The New Zealand holistic framework for wellbeing. Sir Mason Drurie’s 1984 model Te Whare Tapa Wha.

From Mental Health Foundation Website

This presents wellbeing as a whare. It is indigenous, so I do not have the same connection to it as the tangata whenua. Simply, as a person born on an island in the pacific, the ideas behind this resonated with me.

An accessible description of the framework can be found on the Mental Health Foundation website. I do not feel qualified to provide the cultural definitions of this model. If there is someone out there with this information I would be happy to link it in.

My Personal Interpretation of Te Whare Tapa Wha

This is my personal adaptation of Te Whare Tapa Wha to form a wellbeing plan. It is an example of using the framework in context, how I have used it in my personal situation.

1. Whenua – Land, roots – What Makes a Home?

Although this model presents wellbeing as a whare (a house), I am referring to the whenua section here as a home simply because I do not have ancestral land to ground myself on. Instead, I have had to create a space where I can be grounded, and for me that is my home.

Although home can mean many things, for me home is a physical space where I have a sense of security across all the pillars. This is the core of my foundation. Without some consistency here, anything I built easily came undone.

In my definition whenua also deals with ancestry. It links me back to my past (“The great kings of the past are in the stars”), that provides me with a strength that cannot be taken away. For me, I look to my Dad and to my Nana. They are the role models in my life, my ancestors, the stories from which I draw my strength. They are how I remember who I am and ground myself in the present.

2. Whanau – Community – family & Social

My personal definition of whanau is – The people who will always give me the benefit of the doubt. They will listen to my side of the story before making judgement. And in an ideal world, they don’t judge at all. They accept me for who I am and support me no matter what. Everyone deserves to have this. To have these people in their life. But for some of us it is not our blood family, and so these people take longer to find.

I’ve learnt who you choose to stay connected to, and to give your time and attention to are important. It is important that everyone has support in many forms, but social connection is critical for everyone. 

In many recovery models, acts of service are considered important to help you build up your sense of who you are again. How you choose to go about service, and who you provide this to is a deeply personal choice. What you enjoy doing to help others can become your purpose and assist in finding a way forward. Ultimately the people you choose to provide service too will be your community and hopefully the ones who will support you as you pave your way towards success.

Along with Acts of Service, this area also includes financial security. Understanding assertive communication to reach a point of reciprocity with others has been an important step for me in this area.

3. Physical

My body is my temple, it is my physical link with the world. If it is not running effectively, much like my car, it is not going to get me very far. Sleep, nutrition, breathing, doctors, all factor into this area. Practically I have found this means routine and structure to create consistently. 

This area also includes Work/ Life Balance, moderation and rest, friendships and self-respect. All of this is still a work in progress for me, but that’s okay, that is where I am at.

4. Mental and emotional

Learning how to regulate emotions, even to name them, can be a big step for adults (is it so surprising it’s hard for kids?). Rewriting my own narrative has been a long process, the way I talk to myself is a big part of this. As the only person I can control is myself, it is important that I am my own biggest cheerleader and believe I can do it. Mastering that self-belief consistently makes moving forward possible – and I remind myself of this everyday.

This area also includes boundaries, problem solving, relationships and integrity. Self-compassion is also a big feature. Overall the aim is determination to build a better life for myself and those around me. 

5. Spiritual

This will be a vastly different interpretation than the indigenous model, mostly in the language I am using to describe it. For me personally, I believe I am just one person, and I can only do the best I can do. Although we are all created equal, we are also all created unique, so my best will be different to other peoples. 

A big part of my spirituality is working towards something bigger than myself, something that gives my life purpose. This can grow and change as I do. I have worn many hats over the years and right now I am focused on being the best family member I can be. After that, I will expand into other areas, particularly work and creativity. The idea here is to build towards authenticity. The elusive ideal of functioning unmasked in society at all times.

As stated earlier, part of the spirituality space is also ancestry, so once again I draw from role models to help me figure out my way forward.

Strengthening each of these areas and then balancing them all can certainly be a juggle, but this is what I am working on to build a fulfilling life. And I am just getting started at it. 

How to work out what to focus on?

Personally, when looking at what I needed to focus on across these areas, I pulled in another model. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. There have been a large number of versions of this over the years and there are a number of schools of thought on how to proceed with it. I will not be delving into any of these. Once again I have taken this model and applied it to my personal situation in a way that works for me. 

I have stripped this model back to its essential elements, namely the headings. 

1. Physiological – practical elements I require
2. Safety – nervous system regulation and resilience building
3. Love and Belonging – Finding the people who accept me where I am at
4. Esteem – taking positive actions to improve my self-esteem 
5. Self Actualization – An aspirational goal for myself to work towards.

So what does it look like when you put them together?

In an ideal world you would start in the top left corner of the below table and work your way through until you reach the bottom right square. But who lives in an ideal world?

I see this more as a bingo card, places I can look at and go “Yes I can tick that off today”. I can’t do 100% at all times, spoons don’t allow for that, the goal is to reach a balance where every facet gets a little bit of my time and attention. Enough to nurture all the areas to grow..

Next Steps?

Over the next few weeks, I will explore the areas of Te Whare Tapa Wha, examining my own needs and how I am rebuilding. Hopefully these insights will be useful to someone, and that will give my experience meaning. Helping others to learn from my mistakes will keep me determined to do things differently.

So where are you at? Where did you start your own rebuild from?  I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment and I’ll do my best to respond..