Blindspot Busters

I attempted to start this blog with my next post, when it was politely pointed out to me that as soon as I put this up onto the internet the readers will not necessarily know who I am, so I first need to give some context.

My name is Nicola Jayne Peeperkoorn (pronounced ‘peppercorn’). On Dad’s side I’m Dutch, and on Mum’s Irish & Samoan. I’m a second generation kiwi, born and raised in the East Coast Bays of the City of Sails – Tāmaki Makaurau, New Zealand.  I have done many things in my years on this earth, some of them spectacularly… and then I burnt out. Hard. More than once. That will be the essence of my personal sharing on this blog. My journey through burnout recovery.

The key word in that is personal. I am not an expert. I have done a lot of reading, some courses, but more than anything else, this is what I have lived and what has been helping me. It is my personal experience, my lived experience, nothing more.

Some people might find it helpful, others may not, that is fine. I read more than my fair share before starting this, some resonated (and will likely be quoted), others did not (and still will possibly be quoted). What I will provide is the context or working examples of the things I am giving a go.

So if this is about burnout recovery, what the hell is burnout?

What is burnout?

One of my favourite books on the topic “Burnout” by the Nagosi Sisters describes burnout as this:

When it was first coined as a technical term by Herbert Freudenberger in 1975, “burnout” was defined by three components:

1. emotional exhaustion—the fatigue that comes from caring too much, for too long;

2. depersonalization—the depletion of empathy, caring, and compassion; and

3. decreased sense of accomplishment—an unconquerable sense of futility: feeling that nothing you do makes any difference.

Who does it affect and when?

We have a society in which the difficulties people face in life can cause them to experience some form of extreme emotional exhaustion that will impact their ability to participate in day to day life.

These occurrences do not discriminate. They happen to everyone, from every walk of life. More money just affords you less severity and a more comfortable recovery. The only real prevention is adhering to a very strict work life balance, which thankfully is becoming more popular in certain circles.

Why does it happen?

All I can say to that is WOW. We have accepted as a society that it is okay to literally work adults until they break – and then expect them to pick up and carry on as if nothing had happened. Well, not like nothing had happened, but like it was just a blip. It’s just one of those things that happens to all of us, so come on, don’t cry, don’t get angry, toughen up, pull up your boot straps, put on your big person pants and she’ll be right.

Is it any wonder that there are now billboards in our malls telling us ‘It’s okay to not be okay.’

Because we’re not okay. There are many of us putting on a brave face and not burdening others with our problems. Because they have their own. Everyone does. That’s life. 

So how did I burnout?

In all honesty, the answer to this question could be a novel, so forgive me for only sharing the key headlines here. 

Early History

Even from a young age I loved being creative. I would often make up performances for family events. I participated in all my school productions throughout primary and intermediate, also doing ballet before ballroom and latin american.

When I wasn’t performing I would be found with my nose in a book or with a pen and notebook writing. I loved science, particularly doing experiments of all varieties. One of my Aunties referred to me as the puzzle queen, since I loved jigsaws and any form of problem solving.

My writing quickly evolved into movie scripts, the first, a vampire romance epic, stalled during pre-production – which I blame on being 12 in a time before Twilight, when video cameras were scarce. After several attempts I completed my first short film at 16 – ‘On the Way Down’,  an unflinching look at teenage drug abuse. 

My entire family could often be found at the soccer club. Dad became a life member at two different soccer clubs and his record was coaching 7 teams in one winter season. I have played, coached and captained a rep squad. I even played an international tournament final in North Harbour Stadium. It is through sport that my sister and I were taught about commitment. If you agree to do something, you must show up. This was particularly true of the soccer module for which the kids ran the catering on finals days. We did that every year, it was a great earner, but I started my first regular job at 11 with a circular delivery run, trading it for a job in a supermarket when I turned 15. The money from my early jobs was used to match my parents’ investment into a drum kit, which I played badly for many years.

The writing continued at high school where in sixth form I studied journalism and wrote controversial articles for the school paper. The most notable of these was an article I co-wrote on how it felt to be part of a minority religion at Rangitoto College. The summary of that was – “scared and misunderstood.” An award winning debater and frequent speech finalist, I was well known by my peers, so when the student reps walked into my drama class and asked for the person who was best at speeches and debating, they all looked at me. That is how I became  a founding member of the North Shore City Youth Council where I received a certificate of appreciation from the Mayor in 2002. 

I left high school after sixth form and became a postie, working alongside Dad at the Browns Bay Branch, joining the union there since Dad was the branch union rep. Dad union involvement qualified him for voting rights in the Labour party and we had very hearty debates about Little vs Cunliffe. When the CEO of NZ Post went to Europe to research changes to our postal system, Dad went with him. Dad’s nickname was the Rabid Dog and he would often send emails at 4am.

After saving for a year I went to South Seas Film & Television School, working late into the night completing an uncommon Double Major in Production and Directing. Following graduation I did temporary roles to support my filmmaking habit, working in such companies as Sistema, Chubb Security, Auckland Council, Fuji Xerox and more, all while studying part time to complete a Diploma in Marketing Communications from Massey University. I managed to attend my graduation ceremony for my diploma while working. That was when I was the temporary Mayoral Aide for Mayor Len Brown.

Of note from the Mayoral Office was a trip to a meat packing plant. Len was going on the full tour and the two male bosses looked over at me and asked if I was coming too. Len looked me up and down and said “Of course she’s coming. She’ll take notes.” So I was then handed a suit to put on over my clothes. Soon after the tour began through the meat packing plant where we entered at the end. The meat was packaged ready to go to the supermarket. And step by step we saw every single phase. Thankfully we stopped before the kill room, however we did spend a significant amount of time in the room directly after. One side of the room had hooks with heads, the other the rest of the cows. 

When we stepped out, the two older gentlemen stopped Len and I and all attention went to me. “Did you grow up on a farm?” one asked. “No,” I replied. He continued to say, “I can count on one hand the number of women who could do that whole tour without getting sick. How did you do it?” “I’m a filmmaker,” I said frankly, “I just repeated to myself ‘it’s only a movie’ over and over until I believed it.” When we got back to his office the PA asked, “Steak for lunch, my shout.” “F off,” I responded, and went to get myself a salad.

Filmmaking History

My dedication to use my creative problem solving skills as a Producer drove me to make more than 100 low budget short films, including ‘The Rapists’ which played at Show Me Shorts in 2008. I produced the NZFC funded horror short film Restoration and was part of the writing, directing and producing team for Tropfest finalist short films Xenophobia, Meet Hamish and Help, which won Best Film, Best Actor and the Audience Award at Tropfest NZ 2014.

By 23 I had embarked on my ambitious first feature, ‘The Richmond Family Massacre’ a black and white romantic comedy released in 2010. Following that, I joined the team of independent feature ‘Crackheads’ as a co-producer which played several International festivals including Austin Film Festival (which I attended) and has won numerous awards including ‘Best Self Funded Feature’ at the New Zealand Film Awards (the Moas) in 2013. 

During this time I worked on a number of productions in the Auckland film and television industry including, ‘The Vintners Luck’ and in accounts on ‘Go Girls’, ‘The Emperor’, Crouching Tiger 2, Ash vs Evil Dead & Hunt for the Wilderpeople.

In 2015 I joined the team at Notable Pictures to work on TV series ‘Both Worlds’ as a production manager and moved into Producing feature docs starting with Wilbur the King in the Ring. My most recent features as a producer are horror The Turn of the Screw, documentary Six60: Till the Lights go Out and writer/producer for documentary The Chills: The Triumph and Tragedy of Martin Philipps. My films have won many awards and my shorts and features have played festivals like SXSW, Austin, Stiges, Palm Springs Shorts and DocEdge. In 2018 I was a nominee for the hotly contested WIFT Woman to Watch Award, attending the award ceremony heavily pregnant with my son.

I also furthered my knowledge of worldwide sales and marketing by attending the American Film Market 5 times and was part of its inaugural Producers’ Forum in 2013. I also attended Cannes to secure an international sales agent for the Chills in 2015.

My crowning glory of an achievement was seeing my name come up on the screen of the Civic theatre – Producer Nicola Peeperkoorn – at the Six60 Premiere in 2020.

Mental Health History

My first role in Mental Health was at The Werry Centre, a child and adolescent workforce development agency. There I worked various roles, including as Project Coordinator for the Incredible Years parenting programmes where I ran national events (up to 2 a week during the busy times). This was directly after film school and I left once the production accounting work became full time.

In 2019, tragedy struck. My Dad, my rock, my person, took his own life. In the aftermath, I took a break from film to explore the mental health sector. Believing that I couldn’t ask others to share their stories unless I shared my own I made a submission to the Abortion Law Reform subcommittee in 2019, and even David Semour did not question my story.

The adverse event process inspired me to find a way to make changes within the mental health system. Throughout COVID, I worked with others to build something new. I was a founding member and initial co-Chair of the Lived Experience Advisory Council (LEAC), a charitable trust providing lived experience voices into quality projects, policy and service delivery of mainstream mental health services in Waitemata (the largest DHB region in the country). LEAC was a finalist in the Waitemata Health Excellence Awards in 2021 in the patient experience category.

After completing training in Intentional Peer Support, a brief stint as the newsletter editor for Solace Suicide Bereavement support group, sharing my story with the Health Quality and Safety commission in a video about the Adverse Event Review process and helping create a training resource for Aoeke te Ra (suicide bereavement counselling services), while also a member of the Auckland & Waitemata Suicide Prevention and Post-vention Governance Group, I was presented with a national Lifekeepers award for my Suicide Prevention efforts. 

Recent Years

Over the last few years I have spent a bit of time on the East Coast in Tairawhiti, where I tutored in documentary filmmaking at Rangai. I have also done a bit of volunteering work, Splore in 2023 & 2024 where I worked as OSOC, part of the Health & Safety team. I have also facilitated Art walks with Auckland Walks for arts week in 2023 & 2024, and recently joined the Labour Party.

This year I am back in Auckland. East Auckland this time.  I’m a Mum, an aunty, a friend, a cousin and I am putting those things first. After that I make LEGO Jewellery, am writing this blog, and looking for part time work.

What’s Next?

So, this is the cliff notes version of what I have done so far and I am not even 40 yet. That miraculous birthday is happening this year. And before then I want to be well underway on my rebuild, reimagining my life from scratch. From my personal rock bottom. That very hard, very lonely place. 

So I am starting where I am at. And that is in recovery from burnout. A recovery that will be a part of my entire lifetime. Because that’s life after all.