Blindspot Busters

So we are looking at Te Whare Tapa Wha at the moment. This post will focus specifically on Whenua – land / roots – part. Essentially this is building the foundations. Some people are lucky and this aspect of their lives is particularly strong, they don’t have many questions about it. To these people I say you are very lucky and please do not take it for granted.

For myself, I have spent a reasonable chunk of time now in self reflection so that I can start to rebuild from this very place. And now I am going to share how that has been going. Share where I am at in the hopes that someone else will find it useful.

Ultimately I see whenua as the place you call home. Home incorporates many facets, and ideally it is a place where you can be yourself and feel safe emotionally, physically and psychologically. Here is how I have broken it down.

Physiological – What does home look like?

At its most basic fundamental level a home is a physical space. I looked at the practical elements that were important to me and came up with the following. Physically a home is:

• Shelter – a roof over my head where I am protected from the weather. Best if this can be temperate, and provide space away from others so I can hear myself think.
• Food provisions – At least having facilities to store and make food – room to grow my own food comes as a secondary consideration.
• Sleep –  Having somewhere I feel safe enough to close my eyes, essentially being physically vulnerable is really important. What this looks like is different for everyone and for me it has changed quite a bit in recent years. There was a time I felt safer in my car than in any of the houses available to me. Thankfully that time has passed.
• Grooming –  Looking at physical vulnerability, having a safe place to bathe is also important to me. Somewhere I have my things set-up and can create a routine where I am prioritised has more weight to it than it used to for me.
• Belongings – Having somewhere safe to keep your things is important. Worrying about things going missing is hard enough when you are prone to putting things and forgetting where you put them. Having them disappear altogether is much harder still.You need to be able to trust that the other people who have access to your things have your best interests at heart. Really, I have learnt, the only people I can live with are whanau. They are the only people I want to live with. And defining who those people are comes later in the post.

More than just a physical space, my home also has to have the right vibe. And it is the vibe that needs to be protected more than anything else. This is why I need to be protective about who is allowed across the threshold. I have learnt that this is about making clear boundaries, and holding firm. It is when those around you understand where the lines are that can’t be crossed that they know how to get along. And there also needs to be clear, consistent consequences for breaking them. Boundaries will feature in the next post.

So where the hell am I at?

Just moved into a new house. Going great! Still need to get the rest of my furniture here so I can put everything away tidily. A cluttered house is a sign of a cluttered mind and I am so keen to declutter. It has taken me a while to get here, because sorting involves memory recall and managing that in the early stages is more important to me than getting the job done. Basically, my immediate goal here is to put my things away.

Safety – How the hell do I regulate my nervous system?

This topic is huge, it could be a whole series of posts on its own. But to keep it simple for now, your nervous system gets out of whack when your stress levels are stuck at high for too long. This activates what is commonly referred to as fight or flight mode. I appreciate there are other options here too, but I’m not interested in going into the details of what it is like in that space right now. What I am interested in is how to stay out of that space.

Someone else might have a better solution on how to get out of fight or flight. The only effective method I have found is to freeze. To literally force a complete shut down, and then reboot from scratch. I have done this a few times now, and as I have mentioned before it gets harder every time. Once I am out though, it is easier to maintain the calm, and below are a few of the tools that I use to do that.

• Breathing – There are so many different exercises out there, pick one that works. I have found that the only important factor in this is that the out breath is longer than the in breath. If I take 5 deep breaths, in for 5 out for 7, I am instantly calmer than I was before I started.
• Exercise – This will feature more in the next post, but I walk. Alot. Everywhere. It is very helpful for me. I get a lot of good ideas while I am walking. And it allows me the opportunity to take photos. I can expand my horizons. Spend time in nature. All those good, nurturing things that help me find my calm.
• Stillness – Sometimes I just need time and space. Alone. Away from everyone. There is nothing like being able to listen to myself and think to help me re-centre and move forward with calmness.

Love & Belonging – What the hell is Whanau anyway?

At its very core, to me whanau embodies two qualities. Acceptance and Unconditional love. If I have at least a couple of people in my life who provide me a place where I feel these things, well that is when I become unstoppable.

I have learnt to interpret acceptance as a time when I am included. There is no way for me to be certain I belong if I’m not told that. “Treat yourself as if you are at home.” Well that is when you know you are at home. I know this personally to be when other people consider me in their plans. Of course they also double check that I am indeed happy with the proposal, but they still know me well enough to know which way to go with certain decisions.

Working in with others requires flexibility and the ability to compromise. I have learnt to find people who I would happily go out of my way for on a daily basis, simply because their company puts a smile on my face. These are the people who I call my whanau, no matter what is happening, no matter their mood or mine, they make me smile. Nothing else matters.

What does unconditional love look like for me? People who will give me the benefit of the doubt, who will talk to me before siding against me (especially in public). People who have my back, who I can rely on to show up. And they show up consistently, good times and bad. People who genuinely empathise with me and my situation, sometimes because they have been somewhere similar, but always they are willing to walk beside me as I work things out for myself. They are willing to laugh with me, cry with me and hold me when I’m scared. 

That is true whanau. And I am incredibly fortunate. Because my whanau is pretty big. It just looks a little different than other peoples. And that is okay.

The strength of a whanau is built on shared histories. It is the stories you tell. It is the memories you create together. It is the adventures that you go on. And my family and I are all adventurous, we are travellers, wayfinders, the ones who go first. We are prone to take a leap of faith, to dive into the thick of it and dig each other out. We are also fiercely loyal, so beware. Once again there are a lot of us, we have chosen each other because of our shared values. We want to build a better future not only for ourselves, but for all of our kids. They are the heart of the household, the whanau, the community. The kids always come first.

Estem – How the hell do you learn to love yourself?

Self-care could easily be a whole series of posts on its own. So here I will simply go back to the times that I stood in front of the mirror and said I love you to myself. Super awkward. Super strange, but it works. Honestly. Tell yourself it enough, be genuine in your expression, and eventually you will start to believe it. Takes a while. A long while. But it is much easier to love other people, and see why they appreciate you, if you have some love for yourself.

I learnt the hard way that no one around me will prioritise me if I don’t prioritise myself. That means looking after myself. Taking pride in my appearance, and not expecting other people to look after me. If I can at least take care of myself, anything I do to help those around me will be a bonus. For me this is the starting point for Acts of Service which will feature in the next post.

Lastly in this section I would like to mention gratitude. As silly as it sounds, writing down one thing you are grateful for each day is the best way to reprogramme your brain to see positive things I have found. I liked to do it with pictures. A picture says a thousand words. One photo a day. Of what I am grateful for. Generally it is kid related. Not always.

Self-Actualisation – What the hell do you mean by roots?

One of the most important aspects of whenua for me is having a place to put down roots. This is my literal interpretation of grounding. Standing bare foot in a patch of grass, generally with music playing and being able to stretch, or dance awkwardly if you will. I have a collection of shadow photos of me dancing with my headphones on. Literally.

Everyone is different. Their connection to whatever higher they believe in comes in different ways. For me it is music, dancing and nature. The combination of these grounds me no matter where I am. But nothing beats home. The place where I am surrounded by all my things, my memories, the shared history. I can feel my ancestors behind me, in front of me the kids are playing. I am home.

It has taken me a long time since I lost my Dad to feel that again. To feel surrounded by unconditional love in a place I can just be myself without unnecessary criticism. I finally have that again. I have a home. I am literally emptying my storage unit this weekend. 

I am still on the East Coast. I am just residing in Auckland at the moment. Long term goal is Ohope Beach. The beach of hope… and dreams. 

What’s next?

The next post in this series focusing on Whanau. This is a particularly touchy subject for me, so the post will take a bit of time to write. In the mean time be patient, enjoy the daily photos on Instagram, or share your own story below. Leave me a comment describing what home is for you? How have you learnt to put down roots?

Don’t forget your roots – stay strong, have a good one.

Kia Kaha

NJP