Blindspot Busters

The next section of Te Whare Tapa Wha focuses on Mental and emotional wellbeing. This is a big one. I had a friend read aloud a daily reading the other day that while you are in recovery you need to stay focused on the positive. Having a positive mindset is a necessity, but boy have I found it hard to achieve. 

I have been through a lot and it has taken a massive toll on my mental and emotional health. I can tick a lot of boxes, and the main one, the one that causes the most ongoing pain, the ones that still impact me on a daily basis… I’m a survivor and I am suicide bereaved. Those are my biggest trauma’s. 

The neurodiversity makes things more difficult too. But that’s just the way my brain is. It has nothing to do with my actual interactions, just how I think about them. So sometimes, I might not recognize bad behaviour, I think it is normal. And it’s not. But I put up with it…. For far too long. So long I don’t even recognize myself anymore…

And that is why, while I was lost and lonely, I figured out this whole map to make myself move forward. Because it was really the only option that I had.

Physiological – Actions speak louder than words

It may sound tritie to some people, but it is actually true. Actions speak louder than words. So it really doesn’t matter what state you are in, what is happening for you, or me or anyone. If someone you consider whanau needs you, you show up. That is always step one. Show up. Beyond that, often you find you need to be the bigger person and offer the olive branch first. That is hard. I know. But if you don’t everyone ends up worse off. So we do it. I do it. I’ve done it. I did it today. It was hard. It was horrible. It was uncomfortable. But I did it. I did it for my son. He deserves better. And if he does, so do I. I just find it hard to prioritise myself, and my son loves me, so that is important to him.

Being the bigger person is tough. Accepting the situation is not equal, but that someone elses needs are more important than yours is hard. But when those people are your kids, I would like to think everyone is like me. They come first. If you look at it from that perspective, the mental situation becomes much easier. And I found I can be a good role model as long as I do what I say I am going to do, if I show up and if I stay calm.

Compassion, understanding, empathy – all of these things start for me out of staying calm and rational in an others difficult situation. Like the time at Splore I just stopped to stay hello and de-escalated what could have otherwise been a disastrous situation. I can’t be compassionate if I’m angry. So even when anger is justified, I need to stay calm and find a way to channel the anger into something constructive later.

The role model thing for me is huge. If I can show the kids and other adults how to stay calm and rational in stressful situations, then it is much easier for us to have a conversation and resolve the problem. 

Safety – Boundaries & Problem solving

How to actually solve the problem is a skill I am good at, always have been ever since I puzzle queen as a kid. But even my ability to do that took a hit this last time I burnt out. I had to relearn my main skillset. It has been incredibly tough for me. 

My experience has taught me at least, that I can’t solve problems effectively if I don’t have strong boundaries in place to protect my spoons. I also need to physically recharge, but that was covered in the last post.

How do I protect myself? I learnt to listen to myself when something made me feel uncomfortable and identify the reason for my discomfort. If it is a physical need, I then prioritize meeting that first before continuing whatever I’m doing. If it isn’t a physical, need it is psychological.

Protecting my emotions from further hurt has been hard for me to learn. I got to the point where I just expected bad behavior from everyone. I thought that was all I deserved. I am incredibly grateful to all the kind souls in Gizzy who helped me see that was not the case and allowed me the space to grow strong.

I have learnt I need very strong boundaries around some other people. If I hold firm to my boundaries, they are not always respected, but I then stand up for myself. This helped me renew my faith in myself.

That allows me a stronger position in which to solve my problems from. And to solve a problem I like to look at things from every angle. Particularly the unexpected ones. And then I like to focus on the solution and brainstorm. Eventually a way will become clear. I will have further detail on my approach to this process in other posts.

Love & Belonging – How do I maintain my relationships?

Ultimately, I am a pretty good friend. I have had a large number of my friends for life. But I do still make new ones. The people I define in this category are the people I show up for, and the people who in return show up for me. No matter what. I am always given the benefit of the doubt. They know that I am mostly a good person, I have just had some understandably bad days.

And so really, how do I maintain my relationships? I just show up. I am there when they need me. Always. No matter what. But the kids come first. So I am only available when I am not responsible for them. My whanau all get that. We won’t be friends if you don’t. I am a Mum first, an aunty second. Those are my top priorities.

Everything from there is a negotiation. You add value to each others lives not because your obligated, but because you want to see them succeed. You support one another by believing in them. It means you learn to compromise – you take turns – you share. And then everyone ends up better off.

I found looking at what I could bring to the table was a great start. I am a writer / director / producer – I know a lot of people. And I have plenty of time for the people who have time for me.

Esteem – Self compassion & Integrity

There have been times over the last couple of years when I really felt like I didn’t deserve nice things, or I wasn’t good enough to do something. Often this would be because someone was telling me one of these things. I found it terrifying. And to combat this I treated myself the way Xavier would expect me to be treated. Xavier loves me. He is my son. Everything I do for him. I want to be a Mum he’d be proud of. And he was on the school trip on Monday. He was so excited that his mum was there. He has a cool mum. One that is interested in many things. Some of them she is good at…

… and I have won some awards. The first post explains this again. I tend to be good at things when I am interested in them. So when I am passionate about something I will show up. Because I want to. Not due to an obligation to anyone else. But because showing up makes me feel good. It builds my self-esteem. I do it because I want to. 

Self- Actualization – Determined

I have finally reached a place where I have a number of goals. I don’t need to achieve them all right now, but I have things I am looking forward to. Things I do a little bit towards each day. I think I have that pretty sorted at the moment. I feel pretty determined, but in a more balanced self-actualized way. 

What’s Next?

The final installment of Te Whare Tapa Wha – Spituality. That will be an interesting one. Then we move into a weekly story or musing.