Blindspot Busters

So I have found myself this week asking a few people how they define ‘best friends’. Like what do you have to do to achieve a ‘best’ before the friends label?

Really what follows is a love letter to all my best friends. I am incredibly fortunate. I have more than a few. Those that know me understand I am a bit eclectic. I have a large number of interests (and all the associated quirks). Therefore I have a number of different friends. I do not discriminate. For any reason. At all. I don’t think I have any judgmentalness left in my body. All of it has been drained out by a past experience. An event from which I could feel shame, but instead choose to let them empower me.

Basically, this beautiful trauma allows me to meet almost every human on their level. I have a relatable, empathic, story for almost every situation. I have a lot of friends… however then you have the issue of determining who are the ones you can rely on.

Whilst sitting at my usual, I asked a few people, how do you determine who the ‘best’ friends are? What are the qualities of the good humans. The ones you look up to. The ones you reach out to. The ones you will always be there for…

…this post includes some of those answers. 

A Best Friend is… 

Ride or Die…

One of my beautiful friends responded with this simple phrase. I think it is incredible. Of course everyone has their own interpretation of the phrase, so here is mine. This is a person you know you can rely on. They will show up when they say they are going to and when they do they are along for a ride. It does not matter what happens. They will support you no matter what. They will be there through all of it, otherwise the friendship is dead. Everyone is in complete agreement with the terms.

Of course there are wildly different interpretations about what ‘Ride or Die’ means practically. That depends on your worldview, your upbringing essentially (but not exclusively). Personally, I have a very dark sense of humour, so how I would describe ‘Ride or Die’ would be ‘The Quiet Family’ the original Korean one (not the Japanese remake that does not exist). Ask me about it one day in person… if you actually want to hear why that is.

Someone you can borrow 50 quid from…

From my perspective (and what I’ve heard), a best friend is someone who doesn’t worry about the debts because they know it will come out in the wash. Essentially, a best friend believes in you. They will vouch for you in the one way that many others won’t do. They will put their money where their mouth is. Simply because in the scale of a lifetime, that 50 quid don’t mean much.

A real bestie, they understand the swings and roundabouts concept, and the really good ones don’t stop at a lifetime to hold the scales with – they know that if souls are a thing, and we come back again, we will have them next time.

Someone who has seen all your faces…

A true best friend forever has been there through every season… over many years… doesn’t matter how long its been, the friendship is the same as always, they are friends with the real you, it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing (but they will try to sneak off with it if it fits them and they like it).

It doesn’t matter though, what they are doing, or where they are in their life. They will completely clear the schedule if you are ready now to talk. They will listen to whatever you have to say, in whatever way it pours outs of your mouth (even if its incoherent babble), and then when they are done they will offer very loving compassionate insight into wear you are at. Now you may think that is light and fluffy… often its not… often it is the blunt, brutal honest truth. And that is because your BFF is someone who can hold up a mirror to your behaviour and hold you accountable. With love. Always.

Brutal honesty aside though, they will always be a safe space – you will always take priority on the couch – they will hold space for you no matter the emotion. They love you unconditionally. No matter the season.

Someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt.

I think one of the best descriptions of a BFF I heard was, an unrelated sibling. To me that means they will always give you the benefit of the doubt. No matter what has happened, no matter how outrageous, no matter their own feelings, they will be willing to have the awkward conversation with you about it before they give their opinion on the subject to anyone else.

They will ask questions. They will be up front. They will make you squirm. When you are in private. In public, they will back you up to everyone else, even if it is just to say “I haven’t had the chance to talk to them about it yet, let me get back to you.’ A BFF trusts you had good intentions, even if they can’t connect the dots themselves to understand what you were attempting to do. And they will be willing to back you up before they have that clarity. Thats what best friends do.

LOYAL…

No matter who you talk to, you will hear the same words come up eventually when explaining what a best friend is. A bestie gives support, allegiance, faithfulness… They have been there through both the ups and downs. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt… They know about the skeletons… and where they are buried… They were there. They brought the shovel…

They will NEVER believe the word of someone else until they have clarified with you directly… and even then THEY DON’T CARE. They will stand beside you through all your stupid decisions, because THAT IS WHAT THEY DO. Their loyalty can never be called into question. Everyone knows exactly where they stand. Holding your hand through every stupid decision, throwing you out of the plane, no matter what – they will always be beside you, behind you, where ever they need to be. To keep you safe. To make sure you know you are loved. They value you. You share the same values.

If more people had really good friends, they might be less inclined to fight so much…

Have a good one.

Kia kaha

NJP