Blindspot Busters

So it has been a bit of a dramatic couple of weeks for me. I have lost two phones now and my laptop charging cable whilst being flustered. Being in Kaiti (one of the most poverty deprived areas of the country) does not help, as your things are less likely to come back to you if you misplace them. Trying to organise housing, follow-up on legal matters relating to custody, and coordinate moving my stuff between cities once again has been very stressful. And then of course there was the long weekend (and I really needed support on the day all the businesses were closed). To say it has been a struggle would be an understatement, however I am still smiling. I can still smile because I happen to be one of the luckiest people in the world. I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for and all of them have been helping me every way they can. Whether that be by liking my posts, by sending words of encouragement, by sharing what they have (including money from those that can afford it), by helping me pick myself back up again, dust myself off and make myself presentable. I will forever be grateful to my friends, and to the wonderful community of Gisborne – the place I call home.

There are so many things I could write about, and I am sure some of these topics will appear on the blog soon enough, however, even though it is a bit late I wanted to focus on Matariki. What I took away from the various celebrations and media throughout the long weekend is that Matariki is like New Years, but at a time of year where you can actually take the time to reflect on what has come before and then set intentions for where you want to go. It is a time to spend with your nearest and dearest, to share stories of hardships and joy and work together to build a better future in whatever way works for you.

Since my first posts on this blog outlined a framework for burnout recovery, I see no better way to make clear reflections on where I am at and what I have learned, and no better roadmap for the future. So here goes – Te Whare Tapa Wha meets Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs via Nikki Jayne – again, for those in the cheap seats…

FOUNDATIONS
Physiological – Home. This has been a difficult one for me in the last few years, well since Dad passed really. Being able to stay in one place long enough for me to feel secure and allow my nervous system to calm is hard. I become frazzled when having to deal with issues around the domestic violence situation and that frazzlement impacts the people around me. Due to the severity of psychological abuse (ongoing), I have yet to find somewhere safe enough to call home without my ex interfering. My goal is to find somewhere to stay put, a home base, one that my little astronaut could be happy in too.

Safety – Calming the nervous system. This is still a daily struggle. I have plenty of tools, most of them are healthy, and every day I prioritise calming my nervous system. I find that yoga or dancing to music is the best way to help work through the pain in my body created by trauma. The body keeps the score after all (that is the title of a fantastic book on PTSD if you haven’t read it already). 
My goal is to find a calm home where I will hopefully be able to go more than a single day without a meltdown, hulk rage or trauma spiral. I am an optimist so I know this will happen eventually.

Love & Belonging – Acceptance & Unconditional Love. This one has been very hard for me too. I have had to cut out the entire Irish arm of my family as they could not accept my clinical diagnosis as they are. My mother refuses to believe that my cPTSD is a direct result of her drinking and yelling at me as a child, and the rest of the Irish family are horrified and embarrassed by my lack of decorum. It is hard to stay pretty and polite all the time when you have been beaten, raped and tortured as much as I have been. I am better off without the judgemental people in my life who yell at me for crying. My goal is to lean on my amazing friends in the future instead of my blood relations.

Esteem – Self-love, values. This one for me is easy. I love myself everyday. I am proud of me for not only surviving but continuing to work to better myself and those around me. I don’t care anymore what people say about me behind my back. I know I am a good person. I know this because everyday I wake up and ask myself ‘What would Dad do?” and then go about my day with whatever answer comes to me. My goal here is to continue being awesome and hand out origami love hearts to anyone who needs one.

Self Actualisation – Grounded. Overall I think I do well at this one. I ground myself through a combination of dancing and yoga. Not having access to my own music, or appropriate music to stretch out to can cause problems for me, however I can generally find a work around. My goal here is to sort out my tech situation to ensure I have consistent music at all times.

COMMUNITY 
Physiological – Acts of Service. This I have down in spades. Almost everyday I head to the Gisborne Library and give out origami love hearts, telling people they are loved, valued and appreciated. I also encourage litter collection and share food with my friends (the streeties) as often as I can. I also help solve my friends problems (#blindspotbusters) and start new games or campaigns where necessary to encourage understanding and collaboration. My goal here is to launch Blindspot Busters more officially this year.

Safety – Financial security. This I need to work on. I have had days where I have had to beg for food lately. Thankfully I have amazing friends who would never let me starve. That is as far from financial security as you can get, at least from my perspective. The goal is to put in heaps of funding applications and launch crowd funding campaigns in the hopes of a bit more financial security this year.

Love & Belonging – Community, Tribe, Activities. Over the past year this has been a struggle for me. Returning to Auckland I felt a bit like a fish out of water. I felt like everything I did was being judged and commented on all the time. Returning to Gisborne has allowed me to feel more like myself again and I finally feel like I am surrounded by people who love me, value me and appreciate me. Sure none of us are perfect, we yell, we cry, we scream, we are all big personalities, however there is always someone there willing to listen, willing to sit with me when I am having a bad day without judgement. Although I still have a lot of amazing friends in Auckland, the community in Gisborne overall is a lot more friendly and I am grateful to have found a place where I can be accepted for who I am.
The goal for this year is to continue all the work I am doing and planning for the community, to continue to nurture my existing friendships and be open to meeting new awesome people.

Esteem – Assertive Communication. This has been a bit of a struggle for me this year as well, but I feel like I am finally coming out the other side. I am less inclined now to fall into passive communication and just need to watch my anger levels so I don’t become too aggressive (and have too much of a dutch accent where I end up spitting my words). Having to explain myself over and over again to countless people who make judgement calls on me based on a moment of frazzled behaviour, or because they don’t like my social media posts has left me feeling a lot more confident in my ability to communicate myself and my situation. Staying calm, focusing on facts and looking for reasonable compromises has always been a strength of mine, and I pleased that I am beginning to see it come back in my dealings with most people I speak too. The goal for this year is to focus on staying assertive and not falling back into the passive or aggressive styles of communication.

Self Actualisation – Purposeful. Well I have this one down, that’s for sure. Blindspot Busters definitely gives me a lot of purpose in life. It gives me a reason to get up out of bed and the sense that I can actually make a difference in the lives of those around me. The goal for this year is to make Blindspot Busters an official charitable trust.

PHYSICAL
Physiological – Nutrition, Sleep, Health, Exercise. For the most part I think I am pretty on top of this one. I still walk a lot (currently out of necessity), dance a lot (a girl has to have fun), eat healthy nutritious meals that I tend to share with my friends (because I love cooking) and I have started getting increasing amounts of sleep without night terrors again (this is very recent, but I am hopeful about it). I am a bit on the negligent side when it comes to going to the doctors at the moment, but I am putting that down to all the other stressors in my life. It will happen. The goal for this year is to stay on top of my health needs.

Safety – Work/life balance, moderation, rest. I am very aware that I still have a tendency to overwork, so I am grateful to the people I have around me now who encourage me to stop, to rest, to do something different. Things are still in flux for me at the moment as I wait on a number of different things. So this is definitely something I need to keep an eye on. In the past, the people around me haven’t respected my need to take a break. There was always a problem, or something that needed my attention. Changing my surroundings has definitely helped me to chill out, and I am confident that I will continue to become better at this as time goes on. The goal for this year is to stay aware of the need for balance and rest, and continue to find joy with those around me.

Love & Belonging – Friends. Well if you have been reading any of my blog posts or social media lately, it will become clear that I believe I have the best friends a girl could ask for. This one is definitely a win for me. The goal for this year is to stay focused on keeping friends that I enjoy spending time with and who are not super judgemental. 

Esteem – Self-Respect. I was struggling with this one a lot, however now that I have taken back my own life and don’t feel like I am living under the power and control of judgemental people I genuinely feel like I respect myself again. This really comes down to standing up for myself. To saying ‘no’ clearly and not backing down even when it is hard. Not seeing my son for as long as it has been now has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, however having the opportunity to rebuild from the ground up on my own terms surrounded by people who genuinely enjoy my company brings me a lot of joy and will ultimately be better for my son in the long run. The goal for this year is to continue to stand up for myself and not back down to the bullies.

Self Actualisation – Energetic. As I am writing this I am currently feeling unwell, so not the most energetic, however my zest for life is definitely improved. Whilst I still have moments where things feel too much (and I think everyone does), for the most part I am excited about the amazing opportunities I have in front of me. The goal for this year is to keep myself well so I have the energy to do all the things, not just the tough stuff.

MENTAL & EMOTIONAL
Physiological – Compassion, understanding & empathy. I think I have finally come to a place where I feel I exhibit these elements on a regular basis. I also believe I can now identify these qualities in others in a more discerning fashion. I am incredibly fortunate that I have friends from every walk of life, they all help me with perspective on various situations. I have learnt the hard way, once again, this year that sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is cut the people out of your life who are not interested in understanding or empathy towards you or your situation. The goal for this year is to continue to foster communities based on these qualities.

Safety – Boundaries, Problem solving. Although this has taken me a long time to grasp I finally feel like I have very strong, healthy boundaries and am able to stick to them more often than not. I am far more sensitive to people breaching my boundaries these days, especially when it comes to my physical space. Being aware of that has allowed me to clearly articulate these boundaries and walk away from people who do not respect them. In terms of problem solving, I feel like my natural abilities in this area are returning once more. There have been a number of frustrations for me lately, but I have been taking them in my stride more than usual – perhaps due to the volume of them. The goal here is to maintain my boundaries long term, something I have not achieved before.

Love & Belonging – Relationships. This one is not so good for me. I have some very strong relationships with my best friends and a few of my family members, but having to cut out so many people from my life has left me with some trust issues. I am very sensitive to criticism at the moment, and that has been hard for those people still in my life who have genuine concerns they want to voice. The people who are respectful about it have never had a problem, but when judgement creeps in, there tends to be an argument. Without strong communication any long standing relationship is impossible. My closest friends, I know we will reconnect at some point, and others will drift away. I have learnt to accept this and to not take incompatibility in any form as a personal insult. You don’t have to get along with everyone to be a good person, sometimes it is okay to agree to disagree and walk away. The goal here is to focus on the relationships with the people who mean the most to me, repair where needed and strengthen always.

Esteem – Integrity, self-compassion. Over the last year I have struggled with this a lot. Finally I feel like I have this one back again. It is hard to be self-compassionate when you don’t respect yourself, when you see yourself as ugly and unlovable. It is hard to hold true to values when you can’t find anything to value in yourself. It takes a lot of focused work to rediscover yourself and often you have to fake it till you make it. Looking after yourself is probably the most important thing you could do. You have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help others and if those around you are stealing your oxygen before you can even take a breath, it is important to reevaluate your surroundings. Only then can you hold true to your values and live a truly self-compassionate life – that’s my take anyway. The goal here is to continue the way I am now, putting my own oxygen mask on as often as possible so I can continue to help others (because that is what brings me joy).

Self Actualisation – Determined. There have definitely been times over the last year when I lost my drive. As someone who is usually going a million miles an hour, having the wind taken out of my sails can be frustrating. Now I have my determination back I am learning to focus it. I am capable of a lot of things, I just can’t do them all at once, and have been very guilty of allowing others to influence where I put my time too often. I love to collaborate, but I also need to listen to my instincts and be confident I am heading in the right direction for me. It has taken a long time to get here, but I feel confident in this space again. Finally… big sigh… lots to do today – got to get this finished! The goal here is to balance my desire to do everything with reasonable achievable plans.

SPIRITUAL 
Physiological – Purpose bigger than myself. I have purpose in spades. I honestly don’t have to worry about this one now, however that wasn’t true six months ago. I always knew I wanted to help people and I have achieved big things, I was just surrounded by too many doubters. Without support you can have all the purpose in the world but never achieve anything. It takes a lot of energy to put yourself out there and give something a go. The people I have around me now are my cheerleaders. They might laugh at how big my ideas are at times, but they will still follow me on my missions, just to see how far I get. And I always get further when I have good company. Finding others that align with your purpose is the best way to see your purpose grow into something meaningful in your life – at least that is what I have found. The goal here is to never again forget my purpose and continue to surround myself with others that believe in similar things.

Safety – Perspective. Earlier in this post I mentioned I have friends from every walk of life and they give me perspective. Sometimes I think people can get so caught up in their own world view they can’t see things from others point of view. Being open minded, I think, is critical here. Being open to listening to why things are the way they are for someone means you can actually get to the heart of the issue and resolve the root cause rather than just the immediate concern. Without perspective people get trapped into thinking they are always right. As someone who does a lot of research before forming opinions on things, even I know I am not always right. I do think I have become more humbled in the last year and more capable of seeing others perspectives, but more importantly I can now articulate my own with confidence. The goal here is to continue to maintain friendships with others who have different perspectives from me.

Love & Belonging – Intimate partners. Having been a couple of very toxic relationships now, this has been a struggle for me. Moving into the new year I am hopeful that I can build a loving relationship based on mutual respect, understanding and genuine caring. The goal here is to build a strong relationship by being more aware of how my behaviour impacts the other person and ensuring there are positive joyful interactions everyday.

Esteem – Self belief. I have spent a lot of time reiterating that I am a film producer over the last year. Partly to reinforce it for myself, partly because I have been surrounded by so many doubters that it felt necessary to justify myself. I don’t feel the need to do that as much anymore. I make things happen. I believe that because I do it everyday. I might not always get the outcome I want, things might not always be as grand as I hoped them to be, but I live, learn and do better next time. All I can do is aim to be a better person today than I was yesterday, and I think I am quite successful at that. I don’t ever want to loose faith in myself again, and if I continue to surround myself with people like those I have around me now, I should be fine in the future. The goal here is to continue to be awesome not egotistical.

Spiritual – Authentic. This is definitely the hardest one to achieve, and possibly one of the reasons I love Gizzy more than any other place in New Zealand. In Gizzy everyone wears who they are every day, and by that I mean literally. You can see all types of people wearing whatever the hell they want to on the streets of Gisborne everyday. There are more authentic people here than in any other city, and you can’t help but be yourself when you are surrounded by people who do that too. I wear what I want to wear, give out origami love hearts and be myself – loud and proud – every single day now. Not everyone likes me, I am okay with that. If you want to judge me for being who I am that’s fine, just don’t expect me to care about your opinion. I have found my tribe, found people who appreciate me, and I love who I am. I am a good person who does her best to bring joy to those around her. That is who I want to be. That is what I strive for. And for the rest of my life my goal will be to always be the cool chick who wears her heart on her sleeve and gets grumpy when her friends are being bullied.