Went for a walk at 1:30am. My money came in at midnight and I couldn’t be bothered cooking pasta, so I went and got a pie instead. While out for my wander with Sweetheart, 4 units drove past. Four police cars. One after the other. Two drove back, a third a bit later, didn’t see the fourth one. Weird time for a joy ride. Why did they need four units? Weird.
Lots of people have been saying I am not acting like myself lately. This feels very judgemental. I literally have a blog on burnout recovery. I am not the same person anymore. I burnt out. Three times. Very very badly. I can’t do things the same way I used to. I have had to learn different ways of coping. For the most part they are very healthy. I listen to music, dance and do yoga. I stretch out the PTSD when it becomes too painful. I use heat packs, and tiger balm. Massage and hot baths. Lots of herbal tea, liquorice is my favourite. Sometimes I drink. Not as often as people seem to think. So what if I do it during the day. If I don’t have anything else to do, what does it matter?
I have been having one of my most productive periods in a while, and I don’t even have access to my ADHD meds at the moment. Going to the doctors has been a bit hard for me lately. Doing everything has been more difficult for me lately. A lot of people have been very judgemental towards me about that as well. To this I would like to ask, how many of you have been assaulted and had your life threatened by someone who said they loved you? How many people after that had multiple people attempt to steal all of your belongings? How many were shunned by your family when you asked for help during a life threatening situation? If you haven’t had all of these things happen to you in the same week, then you really aren’t in a position to pass judgement, because you have no idea how you would react under similar pressure.
I have heard many times that ADHD is not really a disability until someone has to interact with the system. As neurodiverse brains work differently, things are not as ‘simple’ or ‘straightforward’ as neurotypical people think they are. It doesn’t mean we can’t do things, it means we approach them differently and they often take more time. When you add other stress, or frazzlement as I like to call it, or anything like PTSD into the mix, sensory overload becomes a daily concern and just trying to do the basics can be incredibly draining. This is when neurodiverse people often need help.
If you have a family or community around you that can help lighten the load (around food, shelter, clothing etc) then you can still exist reasonably okay. If you have to do everything on your own, whilst protecting yourself from people trying to take advantage of you, completely unsure who to trust… well, I hope you are starting to get the picture.
I have been struggling a lot in our system because I am either too disabled, or not disabled enough most of the time. Some people talk to me as if I am a moron, others yell at me for not understanding complicated concepts whilst frazzled and having not eaten properly in a few days. It is hard to eat properly when your stomach is knots because of stress, and you know what makes the stress worse in these situations? Judgemental comments. If you don’t have something nice to say, move a long. If I want advice, I will specifically ask for it. And I will ask my best friends, because I actually trust their opinions. They actually know me, and have been around through the tough shit in the last six years. If you are not one of those people, please do us all a favour, and realise you are commenting to make yourself feel better, to have your own voice heard. It has nothing to do with me, and it is actually incredibly damaging behaviour.
If you are one of those people who has wanted to make a judgemental comment and refrained, good on you! You have common sense. For those who apologised after their judgemental comments, thank you for recognising how words can hurt and doing what you could to fix the wrong.
And to all of my friends and supporters who send me love hearts, encouragement, who share stories and jokes, who listen to music with me or just sit and share a silence with me – thank you!
The hardest thing in this journey so far has been the number of times I have had to retell the most personal heartbreaking bits of my story, in places and to people I do not feel safe. It is worse when on top of that I am often not believed. I know that at the end of the day everything is going to be okay, that day still just feels a long way away – especially today.
Have a good one, look after yourselves and each other.
Kia Kaha
NJP
Blindspot Busters 
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