Blindspot Busters

In the wee hours of this morning I was kicked out of my flat again. Essentially, my flatmate decided he didn’t want to respect my boundaries anymore. He believed he was entitled to anything of mine whenever he wanted. I left before I found out whether this also meant he felt entitled to my body. The implication had been made more than once previously. I really don’t like people who don’t respect others. By not respecting my things, by not respecting my boundaries, my flatmate had not respected me as a person. I will not tolerate that sort of behaviour anymore.

I am safe and fine by the way. Had already been intending to pack up my things before my trip to Auckland, so just had to finish that up a bit early. While resorting my things, I have been reflecting on the positive learnings from this. I am now incredibly confident I can trust my instincts – my spidey senses had tingling for a while around this individual, so I know they are accurate and a great early warning system. More than anything though, I am confident now that I have learnt how to put in place healthy boundaries and maintain them. That is something I was very concerned about last year, so all my hard work has paid off! Got to love a success story.

So what are boundaries? To me these are the communication of your ‘bubble’ and what you determine to be appropriate behaviour within that. We all need to get along with other people, however we are all entitled to feel safe in our own space as well. As someone with Autism, ADHD, PTSD and cPTSD, my nervous system is very sensitive to my external environment. I have learnt, that if I don’t have people around me who respect my space, my things, and my audio sensitivity then I cannot soothe myself out of survival mode. Thankfully I have a lot of people around my in Gizzy that are safe, respectful people, so I can move out of survival mode faster. So below are some examples of how I have managed to establish different boundaries with the people around me.

PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES – The Hula Hoop Bubble Analogy

While I am frazzled, some men seem to think it is appropriate to try and touch me. Because of this, I invented a game with a hula, hoop. The name of the game is ‘no means no’. I put the hula hoop around my waist and hold it out to demonstrate a ‘bubble’. Everyone has a bubble. If you would like to enter someone else’s bubble, you need to ask politely. If they say ‘yes’, you are allowed to enter someone else’s bubble. If they say no, it means you are not allowed to enter the bubble. No means no. No does not mean ‘try harder’, no does not mean ‘yes later’, no means no. And if someone enters your bubble after you have had said no, you have permission to ‘smack’ them. If you do not want to smack them yourself, then find a Mum, an aunty, a teacher or a blindspot buster who will ‘smack’ them for you. The force behind the ‘smack’ needs to be directly proportionate to the violation of the bubble. Otherwise, they will not understand the point. 

EVERYONE, is entitled to bodily autonomy and to determine for themselves who is allowed to touch them. A violation of this leads towards the rape pathway. If you violate someone’s physical space after they have clearly expressed you not do that, your behaviour is rapey. Very rapey. You are absolutely 100% in the wrong. I do not consider anyone who does not respect my physical space to a be a friend. This one is absolutely non-negotiable for me. If you violate my physical space I will block you and move on.

Also in terms of physical space, sometimes it is important to just get away from a situation, even if it is just for a short time. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to go for walks, and walking with a purpose is even better. If I feel like my physical boundaries are being violated, I will go for a walk. I try to not do it by myself after dark, however Sweetheart is generally very accommodating at accompanying me no matter the hour if I need to go for a walk to calm my nervous system.

SPIRTUAL BOUNDARIES – Music & Headphones

As someone easily influenced by the people around me, it is important for me to maintain my own headspace. This means I need time where I can hear my own thoughts without having to listen to input from others. I find the best way to achieve this is to put on my headphones and listen to music. Anyone who will not even allow me to listen to a song, to breathe, to stretch, to regain myself, before trying to get my attention again is disrespecting my boundaries. I am definitely entitled to a couple of minutes to calm my nervous system down, any time I need to pretty much. Anyone who says otherwise needs to be seriously questioned, if not blocked and cut out of my life altogether.

That is exactly what I use the time with my headphones on for too. Breathing, stretching, dancing, thinking. I use the time with my headphones on to connect with my internal voice and ensure I am happy with whatever it is that is happening. This is a completely acceptable activity, one that every professional I have spoken to agrees is a healthy way to deal with big emotions, sensory overwhelm and PTSD flashbacks. Those who are disrespectful of this either consciously or unconsciously are attempting to keep me in survival mode so that my thinking is less effective. It is absolutely an abusive tactic and a very serious red flag.

Music is especially important for me too due to my audio sensitivity. Nothing will send me into a full blown meltdown faster than audio. And as annoying as this can be for those around me, those that genuinely respect me will assist me to lessen the impact of this sensitivity, not expect me to stop a meltdown without assistance.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES – Stimulant Management – My Vape

I know that I experience big emotions – I’m not stupid, I have lived with myself for almost 40 years now. I also know that it is much easier to manage my emotions when I am on top of my stimulant management. What I mean by that is basically everything that goes into my body. Food, nicotine, alcohol, pot, chocolate, coffee, all of these things are a form of stimulant and it is important for me to make sure my own oxygen mask is on before I help other people.

Having friends who are streeties essentially means I have friends who live below the poverty line. We all need to share at times to ensure our basic needs are met. The key is to find a way to share with your friends without leaving yourself destitute. This comes down to how respectful people are when they ask, and whether they listen when you say no. If someone keeps asking after you have said no more than three times, that person needs to be removed from your social circle. At least that is my experience. Most of my streetie friends are very respectful, as they all know I share when I can. They do likewise. 

I have established this very clearly with all of my friends through my vape. I do not share my vape with anyone. I know that without nicotine I cannot think clearly, particularly if I experience any form of stress. My vape is my insurance policy that I will have nicotine for a week. Anyone else using my vape could mean that it doesn’t last a full week, and for me that means I cannot concentrate and work. It is just not worth it. I will not share my vape.

I am also very cautious of people with sticky fingers, and often leave out things I am not afraid to loose to see if people are trustworthy. The people who leave my things alone, or ask before taking them at least, are trustworthy people. The ones who help themselves are not. Pretty simple.

RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES – Establishing a ‘film crew’

When I a looking to put my own oxygen mask on, I also very quickly consider Sweetheart’s needs as well. I am very clear to everyone that his needs are the most important to me because of our relationship. After that I look after everyone in my ‘crew’. I use that term because I am a film producer, however everyone has their own way of ranking the people whose needs they consider, the people they are willing to help out. I help all my friends when I can, however there are times when I am drained of resources, and it needs to be clearly communicated that the doors are closed to others. 

When people believe their needs are more important than other people in your immediate sphere, it is worth questioning their intentions. Sometimes it is a simple misunderstanding that can easily be resolved through communication. However, there are also times when it becomes clear that someone feels they are more entitled to your resources than you do. These are people that it is best to block. In my experience they will not respond to reason, and are likely to become rapey. When people do not respect the relationship boundaries it is a clear sign that they do not view you as a human being independent of them. They believe you are there to serve them, and that line of thinking leads to coercive control. Stay away.

Likewise, when you find yourself a crew of good reliable people, make sure you look after each other consistently. You don’t have to be there all the time or live in each others pockets to consistently look after your friends. No, It just means if you run into them and you have things to share you are more likely to redistribute to include them. And if they are stuck you will at the very least help them brainstorm how to resolve their needs.

TECHNOLOGY BOUNDARIES – I refuse to be a slave to my phone

Lastly, I also have boundaries around my phone. I don’t have it glued to me 24/7 (unless I am using it to play music). I don’t respond to every call or message when it comes in. Generally I do during business hours, but outside of those times the people immediately around me are more important than the people further away. Don’t get me wrong, I love checking in with all of my friends and family around the globe, it’s just that being a slave to the phone means you miss out on the things happening in real life and I am very conscious of that. If someone is contacting me too frequently, I set rules around it. If they don’t respect the rules, I block them. I

Anyways, that is at least a bit of information on where I am at with my boundaries. I am feeling much happier and much more in control of my own life having them in place, that is for sure. 

If you have any thoughts on boundaries or some good learnings around them I would love to hear about it. Leave a comment below!

Kia kaha

NJP