So last year I had my son uplifted from me because I was so concerned about his wellbeing I wanted him seen by a child psychologist. While I was concerned for the safety of myself and my son, my ex lawyered up and had him taken off him. Not only did this action mean that I could not get a protection order against him because I was named the ‘perpetrator’, it also meant that to see my son I had to continue to live under my ex’s power and control.
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Changing the world through LOVE, LAUGHTER and a lot a bit of ACTIVISM
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This is the final post on Te Whare Tapa Wha for now. It deals with the aspects of Wairua. An indigenous person will need to explain the true meaning of the word. I am simply reflecting here on what it means to me, and how it has helped me in my rebuild.
After my Dad died, we all as a family agreed to share with the young children that Opa is in the rainbows. To this day, every time I see a rainbow I stop and take a picture. It gives me a moment of connection and reflection. A moment to pause and think, What would Dad do?
This practice allowed me to find connection to the universe and faith that things will ultimately turn out okay. For that to work though, I need to help myself. I need to do the best that I can everyday. No one can ask more of me than that, myself included. And some days I am capable of more than others. Generally though, it all works out okay in the wash. I do not need to achieve everything today. I just need to take steps towards it. And I do. Every single day. For me. For my son. For my whanau.
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The next section of Te Whare Tapa Wha focuses on Mental and emotional wellbeing. This is a big one. I had a friend read aloud a daily reading the other day that while you are in recovery you need to stay focused on the positive. Having a positive mindset is a necessity, but boy have I found it hard to achieve.
I have been through a lot and it has taken a massive toll on my mental and emotional health. I can tick a lot of boxes, and the main one, the one that causes the most ongoing pain, the ones that still impact me on a daily basis… I’m a survivor and I am suicide bereaved. Those are my biggest trauma’s.
The neurodiversity makes things more difficult too. But that’s just the way my brain is. It has nothing to do with my actual interactions, just how I think about them. So sometimes, I might not recognize bad behaviour, I think it is normal. And it’s not. But I put up with it…. For far too long. So long I don’t even recognize myself anymore…
And that is why, while I was lost and lonely, I figured out this whole map to make myself move forward. Because it was really the only option that I had.
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Regardless of persuasion when it comes to philosophical thinking, I know that my body is the only one I have in this earth and if I look after it then I can have many more adventures. This means I need to take care of myself. No one else is going to do that for me. And that’s okay, I am more than capable. Of course, I have learnt a lot of life hacks along the way to help me to do this. I will share some of them here. This stuff is relatively easy if you get it right. And it is possible to do on a budget. I know, my financial mentor signed off on my budget today. No frivolous spending. I have paid off some of my debt. I have made clear progress across all areas of my life. I’ve got this.
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By early last year my fear based nervous system had been driving the car for so long I did not know who safe people were. Rebuilding that, the trust in myself that I knew who safe people were has been one of the longest and hardest learnings I have had to undertake. I am eternally grateful to the people who stayed with me even the darkest times. Thank you. There are no words.
That’s enough of that deep dive for now. More will come later, and those who have been with me for the past year have lived through it too. They know what I mean.
For now we are focusing on the rebuild. I have heard of many people attempting to be hermits, and I have tried it myself. What I have learnt is that it is almost impossible to avoid all people all together. Other people are just one of things I have had to learn to deal with the best way I can. What follows is how I have approached this.
Physiological – What is an Act of Service?
This is very simple, so simple everyone has heard the old turn of phrase – “Actions speak louder than words.” And they do always.
I needed to ask myself some very tough questions here, and then forced myself into shut down so I could address them.
These questions are:
- What do my actions say about me?
- What do I want them to say?
- What do I need to do to get my desired outcome?
My Dad was a big influence for me here. Dad was very much a man of action. When Dad and I talked about something, by the time we finished there was an action plan for how to make it happen. A plan that was always followed through on no matter what else was happening in life. The results would often be delivered faster than anyone thought was possible. That was just the way Dad was. A doer.
As my father’s daughter it is not the doing I find hard. It is going at an appropriate pace that I have had to focus on. And in order for me to implement a healthier pace I had to strip this right back to its most basic.
So what is an ‘Act of Service’? To me this is doing something, anything really, that benefits other people as well as yourself. To simplify further, it is something that you will provide if you just show up. because showing up is the main act of service you can provide no matter what state you are in. By just physically presenting yourself somewhere, you are offering support to whomever else is present. They are better able to do whatever needs to be done, because it is no longer dependent on their energy alone.
The trick then is to decide who is worthy of your time and attention. That is where all the other factors come into it.
Safety – What is financial security?
The simple answer to this is having enough. Everyone’s opinion of what that looks like differs greatly from there. I have learnt how to work a budget. In many different ways. A budget to me is akin to a script. It is a creative document – a framework for the project. To make a good budget you have to be aware of the areas that could cost the most, and find creative solutions to those problems with as little money as possible. There are a number of other resources that can be considered. The most valuable resource is your people. The people who are working on the project are its greatest asset. And if you look after them, they will look after you (not just the project).
That is why I see resourcefulness as a much greater asset than actual capitol. How can you get what you need quickly? How can you convince others to join in as well? If you are always driving the car by yourself, without passengers, you will still get where you want to go, but it will be lonely, I know.
I have worked out my bottom line, and am now applying for part time work. More detail on this will appear in future posts I’m sure, but right now I still require support in this area.
Love & Belonging – What is community anyway?
So I am currently writing this sitting in Newmarket and can answer this easily. I walked into a place I have been to before. The place has changed, so have I. The venue has a very clear “no dickheads” policy. There is even a poster explaining exactly what that means.
The staff have been extremely polite every time I have asked a question, and even encouraged me to sit at the empty booth because I am ‘just settling in’. I have found my place and my people. The exchange has been very clear. I am welcome and respected. I can be accommodated. I am very happy with this.
It hasn’t always been so clear cut for me. Right now I project authenticity, and that makes it easier to connect to like minded peeps. This was definitely not always the case. To get here I explored a number of questions… below I have used ‘you’ – you’ll get used to it:
- What are your interests?
- What brings you joy?
- Who are the people who find joy in similar things?
- How can you connect with them?
- Where do they meet?
- What is around you?
- Where do you spend your days?
I have been pleasantly surprised to find that my people will not only find me, but will follow me on my journey as well. Those people I have invested genuine time and energy in, the ones I respect right down to their core, the ones I always listen to (even if I don’t follow their advice right away), they are the ones who are always there. They are my tribe. The quirky creatives. Doesn’t matter the specifics. Doesn’t matter the industry. They are always there and I can always find them, I instinctively know where to look.
Esteem – What is assertive communication?
So, I have done a number of courses that incorporated effective listening, but I just moved house and I have yet to finish unpacking… so the details here will have to wait.
I do have the Incredible Years book sitting next to me, and there are some very good chapters there on assertive communication. Really it all comes down to be respectful. If you are respectful of the person you are communicating with, you will be able to have a difficult conversation without it becoming difficult. If the respect is not there, then you really need to find a mediator that the other person does respect, otherwise any negotiation will be fruitless.
Digging a layer deeper again, I have learnt that if I don’t respect myself then nothing else really matters. It doesn’t matter who you are talking to, what you want, you have to believe you are worthy of that – if you do the other people will see that, and most often agree.
Self Actualisation – What the hell is a higher purpose?
This takes a bit of soul searching. Some prompts to ask yourself…
What can you do that is bigger than yourself to better serve those around you?
What are your aspirations?
What are you good at?
What do you dream about for your life?
Ultimately this is about dreaming for something better, having faith in it so you can manifest it into reality. If that sounds a bit woo-woo for you, your going to find this section difficult to achieve.
Plant seeds for what is possible, nurture them to grow, and follow your interests.I have found that when I do this I end up where I need to be and end up helping just because I am there.
What’s Next?
Physical stuff… food, recipes and things. That one is fairly easy, although it does require a bit of coordination.
Until then have a good one, or share below about your community. Would love to hear your thoughts.
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