Blindspot Busters

This is the final post on Te Whare Tapa Wha for now. It deals with the aspects of Wairua. An indigenous person will need to explain the true meaning of the word. I am simply reflecting here on what it means to me, and how it has helped me in my rebuild.

After my Dad died, we all as a family agreed to share with the young children that Opa is in the rainbows. To this day, every time I see a rainbow I stop and take a picture. It gives me a moment of connection and reflection. A moment to pause and think, What would Dad do?

This practice allowed me to find connection to the universe and faith that things will ultimately turn out okay. For that to work though, I need to help myself. I need to do the best that I can everyday. No one can ask more of me than that, myself included. And some days I am capable of more than others. Generally though, it all works out okay in the wash. I do not need to achieve everything today. I just need to take steps towards it. And I do. Every single day. For me. For my son. For my whanau. 

Physiological – How to find a purpose bigger than yourself

Purpose comes up quite a bit in this. The first time it was about thinking about it and finding it. This one is more about taking action towards it. Purpose is really important. For me, even at my worst times, I knew I wanted to help people. I have also wanted to be a storyteller my entire life. This blog fulfills both of those aims for me. 

When I was considering what this looked like, before landing on the blog, I asked myself some questions:

1. What do you want people to say about you when you’re gone?
2. What do you want your achievements to include?
3. How do you take action towards that?

At my lowest moments, I would look back on my achievements and go, “well if I died tomorrow I’ve done some things”. It is true that I have. I got to see my name come up, really big “Producer – Nicola Peeperkoorn” in the Civic theatre, that was a life goal achieved. I needed to make new ones.

Back in my early twenties I was given the opportunity to see a psychic for free. She told me my purpose in life was to be a peacekeeper. At the time I saw that as what a film producer does. One aspect of producing is maintaining balance between the financiers and creatives. It did fit. But now I know my goal is larger than that.

This blog is my first step towards my larger goals. I am taking action at a pace that is sustainable. I am achieving this well so far.

Safety – The Importance of Perspective

I’ve mentioned before how hard it is to avoid people. But when people can be so fascinating, being able to embrace them is the best outcome. What I have learnt for myself is that it then becomes about perspective. What I do, wear, say, around other people influences how the respond and react to me. And I can control a lot of that to get the best outcome – fun, peaceful interactions.

For me to find a comfortable place with who I was projecting out into the world I asked myself a few key questions:

• Who are your role models?
• Whose opinion do you trust about what things?
• What are your measuring sticks?

In my case, I share a birthday with Madonna and Taika. They are a pretty good starting point for role models. I trust the opinions of the people who have been there for me in good times and bad. The people who remain non-judgemental and compassionate as a starting point. The people who take responsibility for their own actions.

In terms of other people’s negative perspectives of me, I have learnt there is nothing you can do about them. Some people will always commit to misunderstanding me, and so all I can do about that is learn to love myself more. So when I hear the nasty things I know without a doubt they are not true. Because I am a good person who always does their best. And I am not perfect and always learning to do things better. That is all I can ask of myself, and all that is reasonable for anyone to expect of me.

Love & Belonging – Intimate Partners

So what I know of this space is that you are aiming for a relationship that ticks most of the boxes below. That and intimacy is more than just sex. It is about connection on a fundamental human level. You don’t need to be in a relationship to receive this, and likewise just because you have a relationship does not necessarily mean there is intimacy.

So from the healthy relationship wheel, the things to look for are:

• Negotiation & fairness
• Non threatening behaviour
• Respect
• Trust and support
• Honesty & Accountability
• Responsible parenting
• Shared responsibility
• Economic partnership

When I am finally at a place where I can seriously consider a relationship, these will be the key things I am looking for. Until then, I am just enjoying myself and focusing on being a good friend.

Esteem – Self Belief

This is taking a lot of effort for me at the moment. Mainly due to breakdowns in familial relationships. It is hard to believe in yourself when you don’t feel like you are loveable. And when you are rejected by a parent, boy is it tough. However, I have learnt to take things a day at a time. To achieve the small goals I set for myself so I can be proud of myself. I can be my own cheerleader, inspire myself and then celebrate my victories with the people around me instead of just sharing the problems. 

I have found that a key element to having healthy self-belief (as opposed to being egotistical) is being able to reflect honestly. Holding yourself accountable for your own actions and apologising if you do something wrong is critical to my core belief I am a good person. If I don’t believe I am a good person, then I will second guess everything I do. 

And that is the fear I need to push through the most. Self doubt. Anything worth doing will be a little bit scary. It is new and different, and that is also very exciting. I now choose to live through self-love rather than self-loathing and I achieve that most of the time.

Self-Actualisation – Authentic

So for me this is the ultimate outcome – a strong connection to my roots, my ancestors, my whanau, as well as the ability to believe in myself. When I achieve that, I am capable of acting authentically in pretty much every situation without allowing any of my emotions to drive the car.

In this place I can be honest about how I am feeling without causing a scene, and I know what I need to do to help keep my nervous system soothed, so I don’t go into fight or flight inappropriately.

I seem to be living this pretty much all the time now. I can tell that is true because I have been making a lot of new friends, all very different people – but when I am being honest and authentic, people often respond in kind. And that is how I know I am in a safe place.