Blindspot Busters

Today it is my 40th birthday,. and this morning I am feeling content. It hasn’t been that way all week. The song Martin, the lead singer of The Chills, gifted me appears in the title. Martin wrote beside the lyrics that I will always be strong enough to face the Oncoming Day, and that is indeed too. Doesn’t mean you don’t have days where you wonder what the point is.

Yesterday was a big struggle. The emotional load is overwhelming. To have had so many people in my life tell me they don’t believe me, to make out that I am the problem, there are days when I wonder if I should believe them. To be so despised by those who were once close to me, to be doubted, to be questioned, to be unable to get on with the life I wanted because it doesn’t fit conventional ideas of what things look like so I am questioned, belittled, talked down to, or worse yelled at and hit. For there to be no repercussions for the people who were violent towards me, no repercussions for the brain damage that caused me to need a PTSD and cPTSD diagnosis, I just don’t feel safe in our society. When it is okay for our elected officials to exhibit bullying behaviour without recourse, when so many people are starving and unable to provide the basics for themselves, there are days when I wonder what the point it. Why do I bother? Why is it worth it?

I have been in Auckland for more than 10 days and I have not been able to give my son a hug. The weight of this is horrific. The pain it causes is excruciating, and I try to distract myself with the work that I love to do, however some days it just doesn’t feel worthwhile. I seem to be Sisyphus, pushing the boulder up hill only to have it roll down again. Nothing I seem to do helps. Nothing changes. No one wants to listen. I wonder what the point is in having a voice.

I had to reply to an email to my mother yesterday. This was my response:

I have been unable to organise transportation at this stage. I am also unsure where all my things are in Auckland and as no one will communicate with me directly attempting to organise this has left me in a PTSD spiral. 

I miss my Dad. He would have helped me. It is very hard relying on the kindness of strangers, there is only so much one person can do on their own. Today I have to focus on reminding myself I am worthy of love, and am grateful to have found a family who are willing to do everything they can to support me, who give me hugs, who make sure I have a roof over my head and remind me that I am a person, not just a problem. 

I try to remind myself that what I have managed to achieve in the 40 years I have been on this earth is incredible. I try to listen to the people who believe I am inspirational, particularly in how I have managed to keep myself going through all of the ongoing trauma I am experiencing dealing with Mr. Johnson. However, It is my birthday tomorrow and I do not even get to hug my own son. 

I rewatched the PONO video the HQSC made about the adverse event review work into Dad’s care. I stated I felt the report was a character assasination of the only person unable to defend themselves in the process. Having to defend yourself against character assasination is awful. I have to do it in family court every day. The PTSD spirals this creates for me makes every day tasks difficult let alone anything else. Defending my character all the time leaves me feeling like I am not a very worthwhile person. Although I can never know for sure exactly what Dad was feeling, I definitely understand how it feels to believe you are a burden to everyone around you.

And making things harder for me still is the fact that no one will communicate with me about whether Xavier is receiving counselling, or if anything has been done about the bullying he disclosed or the self-harm that Sara also witnessed. Mr. Johnson seems to be more interested in continuing to destroy my life than he is in ensuring our son’s wellbeing is being looked after. The worry I have about my son eats at me every single day. I really regret not taking Xavier and going straight to women’s refugee in the beginning. 

I will be in touch when I have managed to sort something out. I do not know at this stage when that will be. It is very difficult to make logistical plans while in survival mode and this ongoing court stuff is taking a lot out of me. Until then I am very grateful to have a family looking after me, and who remind me everyday that I am a person, not just a problem.

There was a post on Facebook yesterday I shared about how abusive men often try to get their partners diagnosed as mentally unwell so they will not be believed when they speak out about the abuse. This is exactly what has been happening to me. It is a terrible way to live, terrified constantly, having some of the services turned against you because they believe the word of my abuser over me.

But today is my birthday. I have survived everything that has been thrown at me so far in the 40 years I have been around. And this morning I have been hanging out with kids, and I have a party later. Things are definitely not all bad. It’s just some days, like yesterday, I question why my 7 year old son can’t even give his mother a hug, I question a system that keeps us separated and I question a family that not only allows this to happen but actively participates in the continuation of the abuse.

And then there are beautiful days, like today, where I smiled watching the sunrise, because I have so much to look forward to.

Stay safe everyone.

Kia kaha

NJP